She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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