I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
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You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
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Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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