I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
