So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
