i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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