It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
