We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
