The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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