Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
