My Higher Power is John Stamos
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
