in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
