I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Just cropdusted the office
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
