I got chris browned last night
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
