mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
How external is "for external use only"?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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