My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
