All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
