JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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