why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
