just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Randomize
