threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
