Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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