there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
