you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
