just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
