Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
