Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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