ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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