I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm like, not good at living.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
