I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Randomize
