FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I would fuck him just for his dog
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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