she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
