Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
