Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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