If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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