U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
