I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just gift wrapped bread.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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