I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
