Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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