so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
