Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Randomize
