I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
