I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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