I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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