My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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