walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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