tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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