I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
