Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
