so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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