Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
