Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
