Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
