i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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