i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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