It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
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I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
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Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.