Intervention is following me on twitter.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.