The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
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Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
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Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.