wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
