phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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